Okay so, I feel like I can say that my story might be a little bit unconventional.
For one, during Covid lockdowns, I found myself forgetting a lot of my illness (probably indicating how much school was a contributing factor). I was so much less anxious, and my thoughts were so much clearer. I also had completely isolated myself from my 'friends', leaving any groupchat I was in. Now, this might not be healthy for a lot of people, but I think that my social life at high school was weighing me down significantly. I got too stressed about pleasing people with my words, and removing the need for excess amounts of communication must have allowed me to focus on fixing my own life.
Anyways, during the lockdown I managed to find routine. Wolves, I recommend consistency. Of course, it is hard to achieve a proper schedule when you are busy, I understand that.
At the start of Year 11, I was still depressed. I was so tired of my mental illness and I wanted to try getting better one more time. The psychiatrist I had an appointment with ... well she was a real piece of work. In Australia, you have to pay upwards of $600 for a genuine child psychiatrist. I'd call my case a little atypical, with psychotic features, and a whole mix of emotional dysfunction. Well... she called it ... "performance anxiety."
PERFORMANCE ANXIETY?
Listen, call me crazy but I don't think performance anxiety causes individuals to self harm, become psychotic, and try to commit suicide. And not once did she ever inspect my scars? I'm sorry but with the insight I have now as a medical student, it is incredibly important that you get the whole story. If a kid tells you she's self-harming, and has scars, you should at least ask to inspect the scars. God damn.
I told her about my suicide attempt. And you know, when a kid tells you that she tried to overdose on NSAIDs, and felt abdominal pain afterwards... you should check her health! You should check her organ function, liver function, ultrasounds, evidence of scarring, anything! No, no, she opts to tell my parents. I begged her not to (and I was entitled to confidentiality by the LAW), but she decided to make my life so much worse.
Anyways, we get to treatment options. And I have been on medication before with improvement, so I ask her about it. She asks me why I am so insistent on being medicated. Okay! Alright!
She says that for anxiety some people take propranolol. Being in Year 11, I make the mistake of confusing the drug for propofol, which is what Michael Jackson was on when he died. I, being concerned, ask her about it. She laughs and tells me not to use 'Dr Google' too much. Oh my GOD.
Safe to say, my wolves, I have trauma from visiting that psychiatrist.
I could have died, I could have gone downhill, but instead an irrational fear of mental health services had been implanted into me. I will never talk to a psychologist, psychiatrist or therapist ever again as a patient. I am good. From that moment on, I decided I needed to get better in order to avoid ever going through that again.
Wolves, I trust the medical system. I think there are good psychiatrists out there. But, despite being a medical student, I can't bring myself to trust psychiatry again for my issues.
This is how I got better.
"BACK"